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Cracky Resolutions Meme
modpuppet wrote in naruto_meme

This year, I resolve to...

This month, all prompts should involve a cracky new year's resolution. i.e. 'Itachi resolves to get his eyes checked.' or 'Jiraiya resolves to finally squeeze Tsunade's boobs.'

Try to keep the replies light-hearted. Let's start the year off with a smile!

Don't forget the rules:
+ Your post most be ANONYMOUS.
+ Your post must fit the monthly theme.
+ For organizational purposes, please post characters/keywords in the subject of your comment.
+ Play nice.
+ For every request you make try to fill out AT LEAST one request.
+ There's no limit to the number of fills a prompt can have, so fill and fill again!
+ Make sure to watch the threads you start, so you'll know when your request has been filled.
+ Share the meme with your friends! The more the merrier! Welcome to all new writers!!

*Note: Have a question or comment? The mods ([info]0mega19x and [info]anat_astarte)  love to hear from you. Just send us an LJ Message or post to the sticky post.

Happy New Year and happy writing!

getting laid

since almost no one ever seems to in the Narutoverse, characters resolve to get laid!

Gai's resolve...

Konoha's streets have never been emptier. Only the brave and those with skill to escape ventured out into the streets. Who knows how long the resolve of the mighty green beast will last.....

It all started with an off- handed comment by some Kakashi fangirls on his icha-icha reading that Gai happened to overhear.

"...with the way he's been reading that book, can you imagine how he must be in bed?" Cue dreamy sigh and giggle.

As competitive as he is, Gai decides that his hip and cool rival should not one-up him on this, too. So he resolves to get laid. More than the number he perceived his rival has had the past year. And shouts his resolve in the middle of the crowded street.


It was a wonder how even civilians managed to move at ninja-speed at hearing that announcement.

Re: Gai's resolve... (Anonymous) Expand
Re: Gai's resolve... (Anonymous) Expand
Re: Gai's resolve... (Anonymous) Expand
Re: Gai's resolve... (Anonymous) Expand

someone resolves to find out why Kakashi spends so much time with Gai


Re: someone resolves to find out why Kakashi spends so much time with Gai

It came to Tenten while watching the handstand race around the village from their vantage point on top of the weapon shop. She was standing between Neji, who stared down at the impromptu racetrack with a look of embarrassment, exasperation and morbid fascination, and Lee, who was holding up a sign that read GO GAI-SENSEI!!! and cheering loud enough to give her a headache, when suddenly, there it was again, the big question: Why is he doing this?

Not Gai-sensei, of course, who was, after all, completely nuts – and she was allowed to say that because she put up with his insanity every day and she loved and respected him despite his bright green brand of crazy, so she’d earned the right to call it what it was – but Kakashi-sensei.

Seeing Kakashi-sensei walk around on his hands, swaying a little, with that look of concentration on his face as passers-by giggled and pointed, that was just weird.

But it always happened like this – Gai-sensei issued an unbelievably stupid challenge and first Kakashi-sensei would half-heartedly try to weasel his way out of it, but then a few minutes later he’d be going right along with whatever ridiculous idea Gai-sensei’d had.

And that despite the fact that, most of the time, Kakashi-sensei made it seem like he didn’t even like Gai-sensei all that much, like he only gave in to get rid of Gai-sensei for a little while.

It made no sense.

Tenten sighed just as next to her Lee suddenly erupted into a deafening cry of victory and Neji groaned. The race was over. Gai-sensei had crossed the finish line and jumped to his feet, ready to boast and celebrate. Great. Well, at least now they could finally return to their training.

She was about to turn around to Neji and say so when she caught the look on what was visible of Kakashi’s face. He was smiling.

Maybe it was the sunlight that had found a gap between the clouds and was streaming down at him, or maybe it was just exertion from the race, but Tenten could have sworn that his skin looked much rosier than usual, almost like he was blushing.

Gai-sensei was laughing, his teeth gleaming a blinding white. He had his hand on Kakashi-sensei’s shoulder, was looking at Kakashi-sensei and only at Kakashi-sensei as if, in that moment, they were the only two people on the planet.

For Tenten it was like seeing a random pattern morph into writing.

Suddenly everything was making sense, even if it was a weird, totally disturbing kind of sense.

Sometimes using the Sharinghax is just not a good idea..

Any Uchiha of your choice, bonus if Facepalm!Sasuke is included.

Have fun!

Re: Sometimes using the Sharinghax is just not a good idea..

...resolution is obviously not to use the Sharinghax that way ever again

(of course, how long do resolutions actually last anyway?)

Trope: Sasuke, I'll Save You!

Someone resolves to save Sasuke, whether he wants it or not, whether he actually needs saving or not.

Just an idea, totally optional, but maybe 4 crackish attempts and one sweet one? Hey, it could even be different people for each one!

A few different drabbles came to mind

"Sakura... What the hell did you just do to Sasuke?!"

"Calm down, Naruto. It's just a sleeping jutsu."

Sakura knew how these things worked. She'd read enough fairy tales to know that a Prince's kiss could break even the toughest spell and she was certain that the reverse was true as well. Sasuke just needed a little incentive. (And since there weren't any spinning wheels to prick a finger on or poison apples to consume, a well-timed jutsu would just have to do.)

"I know what I'm doing." she insisted, leaning over for that fateful kiss.

Sasuke, unfortunately, didn't wake up. Not with the first kiss, not with the second. Not with the third, fourth, fifth... He didn't even stir until Naruto pushed her out of the way and gave it a try.

(To this day, Sasuke insisted that it wasn't the kiss that woke him. Just the overwhelming ramen breath.)


"Hey, Sasuke!" Suigetsu shouted, covering the receiver with his mouth. "There's some guy on the phone saying he can save us fifteen percent or more on zombie insurance by switching to Nin-co. You think it's a good deal?"

"A good deal?" Sasuke glared from behind his scrolls. "A good deal was getting Karin a fake subscription to the Used Uchiha Underwear of the Month Club. This has to be the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. I mean, honestly, when could that possibly come in handy?"

"Well, what if someone brought your older brother back from the dead? Only to make you fight by his side until he confirmed that everything that masked guy said was real and then you had to watch him die all over again. What about that?"

Sasuke paused, seriously considering launching his scroll at Suigetsu's head.

"... that'd never happen."


Sasuke awoke one Sunday morning to the sound of a scythe tapping against his door.

"Unworthy fucking heathen, you can enjoy a lifetime of immortality under the wing of the almighty Jashin. You can be saved from a fucking death that you don't deserve if you only dedicate your life to killing other fucking heathens in his name! Rejoice in the bloodshed! Offer yourself to Lord Jashin and..."

He slammed the door and went back to bed.

"Damn Akatsuki's Witnesses..."

Lee resolves to make a cool dynamic entry


Itachi resolves to tell Sasuke the truth


A Confession of Sorts...

It had taken years for them to get to this point, but finally the last remaining Uchiha’s were going to train together without the eldest of the two holding back. It had taken months of convincing and carefully executed baiting, but Itachi finally agreed and now they were headed to the farthest most secluded training ground inside Konoha under Tsunade’s orders. Evidently Uchiha’s penchant for destruction is on par with Naruto’s when Uchihas were “going all out”.

“Naruto will make a fine hokage someday…” The comment drifted from Itachi’s mouth and hung awkwardly between them.

“Hn.” And an annoyed sideways glance was all Sasuke was willing to add.

“He has many strengths, though his shortcomings are obvious…” Itachi prompted as if Sasuke would have something more to add to his weird critique of that idiot. Instead the younger crinkled his brow and increased his pace in hopes of shutting down whatever this conversation was supposed to be. Itachi matched his pace easily.

“Does he have a companion that compliments his qualities?”

“How the fuck should I know?” Sasuke spat and leaped ahead of his bother in another blaring social cue that he had no interest in continuing. It’s not that Naruto wasn’t his best friend, or that he wasn’t secretly rooting for him to become hokage. It’s just that this is what he had been working on for months and he didn’t want thoughts of Naruto’s social life bouncing around in his head. Itachi again matched his pace.

“An Uchiha’s would be a good… partner-“ Itachi contitued. The weird emphasis on partner did not escape Sasukes attention.

“I’m not going to be his-” Sasuke started to protest as he turned his eyes to his older brother catching the ever so slight bit of awkwardness in his face, only visible to someone who has spent years honing eye techniques could catch. He sighed heavily and rolled his eyes.

“Yea, if there was an Uchiha who could stand him…I guess.” Sasuke amended yet again quickening his pace, and beginning to suspect that Itachi's recent agreement had ulterior motives.

“As you are his closest comrade, I am requesting your input-”
With lightning speed Sasuke dropped from the trees to the ground effectively ending their conversation.

“No training is that important.” He disappointedly mumbled to himself as he dejectedly took off for home. Vowing revenge on the blonde moron, preferably in the form of stolen ramen.

Ino resolves to be better at something than Sakura

....and she drafts Shikamaru and Chouji to help her.

Sasuke's snakes don't like being ignored..or replaced

Sasuke's snakes don't appreciate being traded for hawks, and they resolve to get even with him.

Team Sannin fluff

Tsunade resolves not to drink the first anniversary of her baby brother's death away.

She fails miserably.

Orochimaru finds her nearly passed out in a bar and takes her back to Jiraiya's place (it's closest) and they take care of her.

Itachi resolves to be still be alive next year

Illness and all. And Sasuke's not quite there yet.

Massacre AU

Uchiha Mikoto resolves to live. The implications of this are yours to decide.

Re: Massacre AU

It was the moment she felt her oldest sons tears on her back and felt his skilled hand shake. She tried to think of the clan, the name, the honor, the pride, all the things that are worth dying for, that she was still willing to die for. Instead she thinks of Itachi cradled gently in her arm moments after his birth. She thinks about his first steps, his first jitsu, the first time he activated his sharringan. She thinks how his body took to being a ninja like a fish to water, but how his heart never could. She thinks about the first time he said that he loved her with his beautiful tortured eyes.

She spins quickly taking advantage of her eldest boy's shredded heart and grabs the sword. Mikoto looks deep into her beloved husbands eyes and she knows he understands as she plunges the sword through his heart.

"Come quickly Itachi, Sasuke will be here soon."

Hours later she meets with the council, Danzo, and the Hokage. They all dance around the big elephant in the room. She says it was a mass jutsu. They thank her for her service.

Years later she is having tea with Itachi and his unasked questions finally become to heavy to bear.

"It would have destroyed the both of you."


"I love the Uchiha name, I love the clan, I love your father, but more than all of that I love my children." She feels Itachi's tension disintegrate in quiet acceptance and a small smile appear on his face.

She did the right thing.

Re: Massacre AU, Not OP (Anonymous) Expand

Itachi resolves to just kiss the damn shark

you know you want to.

Itachi kisses the damn shark.

"Let's just get this over with. You know you want to." Kisame said in exasperation, holding a wriggling baby shark in his arms. He tried to adjust his grip, giving a grunt as he hefted the heavy, slippery, man-sized fish in his arms.

There was something long-suffering about Itachi's face, but then again he always wore that same expression in Kisame's opinion, so maybe he was just born with it.

The baby shark didn't have much to say on the matter, content in gnashing its pointy, triangular baby shark teeth. Kisame thought it was cute, and so he gave the fish a squeeze of a hug and a smile that was just too damn sinister, with too many sharp teeth to humanly fit in one mouth.

"Just look at her," Kisame cooed, "Itachiiii~." He kind of did an awkwardly wiggle that was supposed to further entice Sharingan user to the hideous thing. Itachi leaned back, watching cautiously, if only so his head wouldn't get snatched by the snapping, gnarly, pink mouth that was inches away from his face.

Kisame pouted.

So it had come to this ...

Kisame gave the look.

Itachi sighed, his resolve broken. "Hold it down," he said in a dreadful, monotonous voice. He'd have to just kiss the damn shark, if he was ever going win points and get down to doing the hanky panky with his partner.

Happy, Kisame wrestled the fish down, mounting it, pushing the strong jaw shut with both his hands. After a while, he nodded his consent, "You're free to go for it."

Closing his eyes, Itachi dived in, but before his lips touched the cold, wet, slimy snout, he though 'fuck it' and suddenly changed his target and trajectory.

"Ah, shit!" Kisame shouted, as Itachi's forehead struck his nose with such force that he fell back on his behind, summon poofing out of existence and blood gushing from between cradling fingers. Itachi was beyond caring at this point, so he jumped Kisame and finally gave him a bloody kiss.

OP (Anonymous) Expand
Adorable! (Anonymous) Expand

Hidan is pissed enough that he resolves to kill that bloody zombie.

Go wild.

someone resolves to find a peaceful way to end the war


Sasuke resolves to try and not lose his temper.

But with both his current and former teams and mentors all in one place, it's more difficult then it seems


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